Nothing

Sometimes you need earphones to cut out the traffic. And listen to the music.
It's drizzling lightly. I hear "malligeyooooovuu" from down below. The flowers must be holding the drizzle on their petals.
Bats in the sky - where are they going, where from.
It's raining now. Heavily. Traffic reduces.

I can't think of a single thing I would like to do right now. I mean, I can't decide what would please me. Should I take out the umbrella and take a stroll? I usually like that. But right now is nice too. I think I'm hungry though. What should I eat? Fruit? Rice? I can't decide.

I can't decide. Can't hold my mind on one little thing or big one. Go through the day just listening to my body. Eat, pee, sleep, crap, eat, sleep, pee, sleep, eat. I don't know where I'm going. Don't know where I would like to. I should read, listen to good music, someone tells me. I try. Can't get through more than two pages, three songs. Am I looking for something nicer? Should I be looking?

I do what I absolutely must. Take the bus to get to work. Work. Not work. Eat. Listen. Take the bus back.

I hardly think. I am not able to think. I don't want to.
I am existing in a... nothing state? a silent mind.
Happy to stare out of the bus window. Happy to walk and speak nothing. To just sit and listen to rain. To just be. For no reason.

As I write this, I realise I've been trying to get out of this state too. Trying to find wants, cravings, things to do. To be productive. My mind doesn't comprehend not having anything on a To Do list. Doesn't even recognise a happy nothingness when I'm in it.
Sigh.

It's not easy to understand this silence. Need to listen better. Need the earphones for I seem to be only putting my ear out to listen to traffic. 

Exam fever

It's the same feeling as facing an exam.
It's in four days and I have all of the weekend still.
Plenty of time to prepare.
I'm going to do a great job this time!

Two birthdays, a party, a dinner, a little bit of lazing only, but I managed to form a plan in my head - that's not a bad start.

Two days left - I think I'll bunk the other class and prepare.
Not all hope lost.

One day left - I'm going to wake up really early and start preparing.
Nevermind that other deadline, I'm just only going to prepare prepare.
Have quick lunch, no TV, no distractions.

Less than a day to go - what's the use preparing?
I think I'll take a walk to chill out.
I know all this in my being really, I don't need to read.
I'm a sensitive, observant, intelligent person, I'm going to do a great job.

Before every class, it's the same feeling as facing an exam.
And no matter how I well or poorly I do, the kids do great!

No I don't

No I don't have to make a film. And yes, I'm a fairly good film-maker. I think. Not bad. And sometimes I don't WANT to make a film. I don't want to make a film. I don't want to make a FILM. 
It doesn't define my identity. It shouldn't. I'm a lot more. A lot other.
And this took me close to eight years to figure out.

Thanks P, V and S.
Lightness and relief.

May be now I WANT to make a FILM :)

Tune in

The hardest thing to do is acknowledging your own self.
Ha! I should actually be saying: The hardest thing for me to do, is to acknowledge my own self. See!
Someone was saying to me recently - that there was this activity about changing the tense and the what - do - you - call it of a script and interesting insights that were discovered when what was written was changed from a third person narrative into that of a first person. So I'm going to try this first person thing here now.

I'm always looking for clues from others that I'm doing ok. No, not just ok, but doing great. And this isn't really all that terrible, I suppose its natural. But I wish I wasn't like this. I really envy men and women, boys and girls who are so darn comfortable in their own selves.

How do I get there? I try and be conscious of when I'm ignoring my own voice. Then I try and put it down. On a mental note. Or on the blog. And its a nice feeling. To feel right in whatever I'm feeling.

But I want to get to a point where I feel that without effort. An awareness of my inner voice so clear.

I think starting to be a teacher has forced me to catalyse this process a bit. Nah, a great deal. Two days in the classroom and I haven't felt this mixed up in a long time. Sigh. Good luck to me.
And my students.

Nothing more unbearable than a cold
Absolutely hate it

One or many

Everyone here is so comfortable, celebratory even, with multiple identities.
And there I was, lamenting mine.
Hmmm.

On my own

Its not easy
let me admit
to be alone

I figured this out
as I started to try
to be on my own

Throw open the curtains
when you're ready
to meet the sun

And the windows
to smell the evening rain
that first and then this one

Cook just enough
Have music fill your head
Lest anything else does

Step it up and sweat it out
Feels good it does, the work out
Left and right. Forward and back

Turn off the TV
Pick the book instead
And then back to "Crime at 10"

Eat when you're hungry
Pray when you're down
and pray when you're up!

Make that list
Plan your day
Strike 'em off, in pink today

Call a friend, meet one
Call another, wait some
Listen, its still raining.

Finish that report
Blog this out
Write a bit, think it through

Peel away, fear!
Tie up your hair
Set it free too

Some mango ice cream
Some Roohafzaa
Defrost the fridge and wipe floor clean

One meal to another
This task to the next
Stay alive now, last it out

I long for a terrace
to spy on the world
while staying unseen

Better still
climb and stand tall
on a mountain top, green

Be wrapped up by the winds
and fly with them
all thoughts away!

There, alone is ok
the self breathes deep
amidst the mist and its silence

Listen, it rains still
outside these windows
Alone I sit, behind these curtains

Its not easy, I admit
to be alone
Lets see how well I last
before my dear is home.